Time Has a Funny Way Quotes
Funny Quotes: The following are a few funny quotes said by some of the most well-known comedians and authors from around the world. Having a good laugh first thing in the morning is the best way to get the day started. Since the dawn of time, people have turned to comedy as a means of lifting their spirits and improving their general well-being. In addition to this, it is an excellent way to stimulate your creativity and increase the amount of work you get done. The funniest people in the world are responsible for some of the most hilarious statements ever made. Comedians consistently take the number one spot on the list of the highest-paid people in the world, and for good reason.
Having a good laugh is important for everyone, especially in times of adversity or when we are feeling down in the dumps. On the other hand, it can be challenging to locate the ideal joke that will make us laugh. Because of this, we have put together this list of the funniest quotes ever spoken by comedians, writers, and other notable figures. The following is a compilation of some of the most hilarious quotes ever spoken by some of the funniest people in the world.
Funniest Quotes Of The All Time – You've found the right place if you're looking for humorous quotes to illustrate a point, liven up a presentation, offer a toast, or just for your own personal amusement. We've compiled some of the most iconic songs of all time. Are you interested in even more quotations? You might also get a kick out of our brand new collection of the funniest jokes ever told. Have fun—and you can quote us!
1. Every day is a leg day when you are running away from your problems. – Priyanshu Singh
2. "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." —Mark Twain
3. After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.
4. "When in doubt, look intelligent." —Garrison Keillor
5. His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. – Woody Allen
6. "By the time you're years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it." —George Burns
7. I don't like myself, I'm crazy about myself. – Mae West
Funniest Quotes Of The All Time
8. He knows nothing, and he thinks he knows everything. That clearly points to a political career. – George Bernard Shaw
9. "My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." —Socrates
10. "Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors." —Tom Snyder
11. Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies. – Oliver Goldsmith
12. "The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."—Lucille Ball
13. "Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping." —Bo Derek
14. "We use of our brains. Imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other 60%." —Ellen DeGeneres
15. When we got married I told my wife "If you leave me, I'm going with you. And she never did. – James Fineous McBride
16. "Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment." —Robert Benchley
17. I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. – Mark Twain
18. "Never eat more than you can lift." —Miss Piggy
19. "If you can't be kind, at least be vague." —Judith Martin
20. How to make God laugh: Tell him your future plans. – Woody Allen
21. "Never criticize your spouse's faults; if it weren't for them, your mate might have found someone better than you." —Jay Trachman
22. "There is no such thing as fun for the whole family." —Jerry Seinfeld
23. Don't keep a man guessing too long – he's sure to find the answer somewhere else. – Mae West
24. "One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory." —Rita Mae Brown
25. Children really brighten up a household – they never turn the lights off. – Ralph Bus
26. "The only time some fellows are ever seen with their wives is after they've been indicted." —Kin Hubbard
27. Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house. – Henny Youngman
28. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. – Will Rogers
29. "It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail." —Gore Vidal
30. Arguing with women is like reading the software license agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click "I Agree."
31. "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." —Jeff Valdez
32. "You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse." —Billy Arthur
33. "People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do." —Isaac Asimov
34. I might be annoying but at least my lock screen isn't a selfie.
35. "Anybody who tells you money can't buy happiness never had any." —Samuel L. Jackson
36. "A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children." —Dave Barry
37. They said, don't give up on your dreams. So I went back to sleep.
38. "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." —Henry Clapp
39. I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.
40. "Always go to other people's funerals; otherwise they won't come to yours." —Yogi Berra
41. Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep. In a giant blender. – Homer Simpson
42. Sometimes when I close my eyes I can't see anything.
43. "A bore is the kind of man who, when you ask him how he is, he tells you." —Channing Pollock
44. "When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you." —Nora Ephron
45. Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. – John F. Kennedy
Hilarious Quotes About Laughing
47. I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later. – Mitch Hedberg
48. Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you'll get if you're able to 'fall asleep right now.' – Unknown
49. What do you mean, he don't eat no meat? That's okay, that's okay. I make lamb. – Aunt Voula
50. "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." —George Carlin
51. Never follow anyone else's path. Unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path. – Ellen DeGeneres
52. "Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight." —Phyllis Diller
53. I don't have to take this abuse from you; I've got hundreds of people dying to abuse me. – Dr. Peter Venkman
54. "Keep your temper. Nobody else wants it." —Dearborn Independent
55. "A gossip is a person who creates the smoke in which other people assume there's fire." —Dan Bennett
56. Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever. – Pete
57. My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne. – Tina Fey
58. "People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."—Joan Rivers
59. Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I'm not that hungry? – Shelley Darlingson
60. "I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food." —W.C. Fields
61. Here's some advice: At a job interview, tell them you're willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician. – Adam Gropman
62. "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." —Rita Mae Brown
63. "There are two classes of travel—first class and with children."—Robert Benchley
64. "She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation." —Jean Webster
65. I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. – Rodney Dangerfield
66. A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain. – Graham Norton
67. The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize. – Clairee Belcher
68. Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve. – David Letterman
69. "Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." —Ernest Hemingway
70. "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." —Abraham Lincoln
71. "User: the word computer professionals use when they mean 'idiot.'" —Dave Barry
72. Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer. – Ellen DeGeneres
73. "In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra." —Fran Lebowitz
74. "I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them." —Phyllis Diller
75. There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy. – Elise
76. You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police. – Joan Rivers
77. "Not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer." —Dave Barry
78. "It's so much easier to suggest solutions when you don't know too much about the problem." —Malcolm Forbes
79. "All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work." —Steve Martin, in the film Sgt. Bilko.
80. "The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true." —James Branch Cabell
81. Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: 'How to Build a Boat.' – Steven Wright
82. "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about." —Oscar Wilde
83. "If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one." —Andrew A. Rooney
84. "A college education is one of the few things a person is willing to pay for and not get." —William Lowe Bryan
85. There is one word that describes people that don't like me: Irrelevant. – Unknown
86. "Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that." —George Carlin
87. "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." —Jim Carrey
88. "If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it." —Stephen Colbert
89. "The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people." —Lucille S. Harper
90. "If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them." —Reese Witherspoon
91. "Kids are expensive, I didn't even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life."—Kate Davis
92. There's nothing simpler than avoiding people you don't like. Avoiding one's friends, that's the real test. – Dowager Countess Violet Crawley
93. As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two. – Sir Norman Wisdom
94. Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can't do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over. – Jerry
Best Funny Quotes And Funny Sayings
96. "Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas." —Paula Poundstone
97. I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. – Woody Allen
98. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. – Jack Handey
99. Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a cheese. – Luis Bunuel
100. Someone should open up a restaurant called "I don't care". Then we can finally go to that restaurant my girlfriends always talking about.
101. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here? – Billy Connoly
102. It's not always easy to come up with a funny one-liner. But if you want to make someone laugh, you might need to think outside the box.
103. If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes – make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast. – David Brent
104. "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house." —Rod Stewart
105. "If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them." —Phil Pastoret
106. I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over. – Woody Allen
107. "The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised." —George Will
108. Does anybody know how to disable the auto-correct feature on my wife ?
109. I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom. – Bob Hope
110. "I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours." —Jerome K. Jerome
111. Women spend their whole life to find the right man just to tell him every day that he is wrong. – Priyanshu Singh
112. When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. – Erma Bombeck
113. I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception. – Groucho Marx
114. "Happiness is having a large, caring, close-knit family in another city." —George Burns
115. Don't forget to send these funny friendship quotes to your BFF for some laughs!
116. "Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you're finished." —Leslie Nielsen
117. "I'm not offended by blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb…and I also know that I'm not blonde." —Dolly Parton
118. "True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country." —Kurt Vonnegut
119. If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried. – David Brent
120. "Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into a home." —Dennis Miller
121. I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don't really remember yesterday all that well. – Dory
122. "You can't believe everything you hear—but you can repeat it." —Anonymous
123. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner
124. "An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after floors says, 'So far so good!'" —Anonymous
125. "It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he's madly in love, drunk, or running for office." —B. Birdsong
126. "My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger." —Billy Connolly
127. "People can't drive you crazy if you don't give them the keys." —Mike Bechtle
128. My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush. – Bobby Boucher
129. I've been looking for a girl like you – not you, but a girl like you. – Groucho Marx
130. If the world were ruled by women then there would be no war… just couple of nations not talking with each other.
131. "The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it." —Doug Larson
132. I always wanted to have someone, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life – I've changed my mind.
133. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are. – Will Ferrell
134. Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts. – Lt. Frank Drebin
135. "Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?" —Edgar Bergen
136. "Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It's cheaper." —Quentin Crisp
137. There's nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can't prolong. – Surgeon
138. "Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don't have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!" —Charlie Brown
139. There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it. – Mindy Kaling
140. "When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight.'"—Yogi Berra
141. "If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to." —Dorothy Parker
142. "Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
143. "When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway."—Erma Bombeck
144. "When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them." —Rodney Dangerfield
145. By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out. – Richard Dawkins
146. I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' – Priyanshu Singh
147. Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. – Anthony Burgess
148. Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself – like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks. – Jean Kerr
149. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
150. In my house, I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision-maker. – Woody Allen
Short Funny Quotes On Life
152. "By the time someone says, 'To make a long story short,' it's too late." —Don Herold
153. I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. – Woody Allen
154. Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? – Robin Williams
155. "Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."—Oscar Wilde
156. I'm not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? – Chandler
157. "In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him." —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
158. When I'm on my death bed, I want my final words to be "I left one million dollars in the…
159. "Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are." —Will Ferrell
160. "Thankfully, perseverance is a great substitute for talent." —Steve Martin
161. "The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people." —G.K. Chesterton
162. Gentlemen, you can't fight in here. This is the war room. – President Merkin Muffley
163. "Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most." —Addison H. Hallock
164. Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating. – Frank Semyon
165. "What happens after you die?"
166. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey
167. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society. – Mark Twain
168. A man who has never made a woman angry is a failure in life. – Christopher Morley
169. I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. – Les Dawson
170. Don't drink and drive…You might hit a bump and spill your drink. – Unknown
171. I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. – Phyllis Diller
172. I never feel more alone than when I'm trying to put sunscreen on my back. – Jimmy Kimmel
173. My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one. – Groucho Marx
174. Mirrors can't talk. Luckily for you, they can't laugh either! – Unknown
175. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." —Anonymous
176. "A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." —Robert Benchley
177. Trust me, You can dance. Vodka
178. "Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain—and most do." —Dale Carnegie
179. "If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?" —John Cleese
180. I'm not insane. My mother had me tested. – Sheldon Cooper
181. "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." —Anonymous
182. Don't talk about yourself so much… we'll do that when you leave.
183. "I don't believe in reincarnation, and I didn't believe in it when I was a hamster." —Shane Richie
184. Does it disturb anyone else that 'The Los Angeles Angels' baseball team translates directly to 'The The Angels Angels'? – Neil DeGrasse Tyson
185. Life is too complicated in the morning.
186. There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. – Oscar Wilde
187. "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe." —Albert Einstein
188. Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
189. "There but for the grace of God, goes God." —Anonymous, commenting on the film director Orson Welles
190. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it." —W.C. Fields
191. Be crazy, be stupid, be silly, be weird. Be whatever, because life is too short to be anything but happy.
192. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
193. Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave. – Quentin Crisp
194. All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips. – Priyanshu Singh
195. Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. – John Lennon
196. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – Steve Martin
197. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.
198. I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. – Michael Scott
199. My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you're a banana. – Rose
200. "Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Fox
201. "Friends are God's way of apologizing to us for our families." —Anonymous
202. Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. – Henry Youngman
203. I'm at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.
204. "It seems I have spent a lifetime of mouthing mechanically, 'Say thank you. Sit up straight. Use your napkin. Close your mouth when you chew. Don't lean back in your chair.' Just when I finally got my husband squared away, the kids came along." —Erma Bombeck
205. "According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy." —Jerry Seinfeld
206. "All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening." —Alexander Woollcott
207. Mr. Right is coming. But He's in Africa and he's walking. – Oprah Winfrey
208. I walk around like everything's fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
209. "If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?" —Will Rogers
210. "Lot's of things happen after you die – they just don't involve you."
211. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it. – Unknown
212. I'd like to have a kid, but I'm not sure I'm ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are. – Damien Fahey
213. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. – Mark Twain
214. If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?
215. It is better to fart and feel the shame than hold and feel the pain.
216. Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so waste your time and have the time of your life! – Unknown
217. Sorry about those texts I sent you last night, my phone was drunk.
218. "If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife's birthday, just try forgetting it once." —Aldo Cammarota
219. "The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money." —Mark Twain
Source: https://littlenivi.com/funny-quotes/
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